|“||Hi, and welcome to "Phelous finds films that fail". Nope, never saying that one again.||”|
–Phelous, Opening to Phobgoblins
Phelous was a Human film reviewer from the Channel Awesome Multiverse. He was incredibly sarcastic and sardonic, as well as being incredibly bitter over being forced to watch many terrible films, as well as his constant deaths.
He was also the survivor of several Birdemics, as well as an attack by giant murderous rabbits.
The First Phelous
Phelous chose to review Mac and Me, a film driven by product placement and heavily inspired by E.T.. While conducting the review, he made a Mortal Kombat joke, which prompted Sub-Zero to mock him for his repetitiveness. (SKETCH: Mac and Me)
During the review, he became increasingly forlorn as the movie dragged on, culminating in a heart attack. His condition seemingly improved, however, and he appeared to have concluded his review. (SKETCH: Mac and Me)
The Second Phelous
On a dreary day, Phelous chose to check a local post box, seemingly expecting a package. He discovered the parcel, with the cryptic message, "I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST SUMMER" scrawled on it. Unnerved, he chose to open it, and to his horror, discovered the film, "I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer", driving him into a fit of frantic fear. His horror subsided when he discovered the note enclosed, ordering him to review the film, and was replaced by frustration. (SKETCH: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
He ultimately concluded that, in order to stay safe from zombie fishermen, one had to make sure that they didn't keep secrets regarding things that happened during the summer. (SKETCH: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
Phelous returned and reviewed "Mac and Me" a second time; this time getting angry, even violent with the film, with the review shortened by over twenty minutes. He covered largely the same beats, even getting Sub-Zero to return. (SKETCH: Phelous and Me in "5" Seconds)
After reviewing the horrific "Mac and Me" and the not-so-horrific "I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer", Phelous decided to change things up a bit and review a comedy. After repeatedly being jumpscared by the title of the film, his review, and words tangentially related to those titles, Phelous decided he wanted to use painkillers to numb the effect. (SKETCH: Funny Games)
His hatred of the film lead him to proclaim that he'd rather get shot than continue, only for him to be shocked as he is actually shot. The shooter, Phelous' friend Robert takes his seat, and, having watched the film prior with Phelous, declared that Phelous wasn't the only person who could do reviews of horror films; saying that what the film actually needed was more shots of the radio. However, in the intervening time Phelous had regained consciousness and managed to shoot his attempted killer, who collapsed to the floor. Phelous' sister then walks in, and stumbles on the scene. Finding a note left by Phelous explaining a "Dear Sister" parody sketch had started, she was unprepared when the shooter wakes up and shoots her. With her blood flowing, she pulls a handgun and shoots the assassin, before falling to the ground herself. At that point another of Phelous' friends walked in, asking for eggs, like in the movie. This drives Phelous to shoot him with a shotgun, briefly incapacitating the newcomer. The newcomer quickly regains composure, and fires indiscriminately on Phelous, his sister, and the attempted assassin, but Kyna takes him out. Phelous manages to get up, and pleads with Robert, Kyna, and Trevor to find the remote. Finding it, he reverses all of the events that have transpired, before realizing he hadn't gone back far enough, as he had still seen the movie. (SKETCH: Funny Games)
After taking a three month break, Phelous returned to review "The Ruins". After concluding that it was of poor quality, Phelous heard his cellphone ringing, and declared that he would answer it. He found the phone next to an aloe plant. About to deride something, he was stabbed through the head by one of the plant's tendrils, and he collapsed to the floor, dead. Fortunately, a 1-Up Mushroom passed by, and Phelous was returned to life. He then recapped the review in a similar style to his second review of "Mac and Me." (REVIEW: The Ruins)
He returned once again for another review, this one to be the Silent Hill film adaptation of the first game. He conducted the review, as per normal, until he found himself sucked into the Otherworld. Aghast at finding himself in this dark, demented dimension, he opted to commit suicide rather than face the evil extradimensional force within. Despite this, he was resurrected by the Evil 1-Up Mushroom, and was forced to flee through the streets of the Otherworld. (SKETCH: Silent Hill Film)
The extended time period spent in the Otherworld would corrupt this incarnation of Phelous, as would be revealed to a later incarnation who opted to re-review the Silent Hill film. (SKETCH: Silent Hill Revisited)
The Third Phelous
The next incarnation arrived, and chose to review the very first Harry Potter film... "Troll." While watching the film, Phelous finds himself routinely flabbergasted, and even special guest star M. Bison refuses to say his trademark line due to his confusion. After concluding that the film was simply "silly", he notes that "Troll 2" would be an entirely different story. (REVIEW: Troll 1)
While people were anticipating his "Troll 2" review, Phelous chose to take the time to make an introductory video, where he failed to answer most of his own questions, and finished with a submission for Linkara's Theme Song Contest, This Is the Theme Song for Linkara. (SKETCH: A Serious Intro to Phelous)
It was the film "Skinned Deep" that brought him pain. When Phelous brought up the title of the character, the Surgeon General, Linkara opened up a video feed and began delivering instructions on how to deal with the character, assuming it to be the same Surgeon General as he'd seen in a comic prior. When Phelous corrected him, Linkara opted to leave rather than continue. When Phelous asked if he could review a comic with him, Linkara denied him the opportunity. Phelous wound up giving in to temptation and used a "Fatality" joke, which caused Sub-Zero to give him a swift rebuke and a punch to the face. Ultimately, his loathsome rage of the film caused his head to explode. Despite this, he was still able to speak afterwards. (SKETCH: Skinned Deep)
The Fourth Phelous
Phelous once again returned to the well, and did another re-review of "Mac and Me", this time with a slower and calmer delivery than ever before. While he didn't make an attempt to cover the same beats, he did address the themes of the film. (SKETCH: Phelous & Nonsense)
Phelous would then attempt to review the film "Hobgoblins", with the resulting mental anguish at having watched the film driving him to suicide. Fortunately, prior to being able to kill himself, he was possessed by Sam Beckett. When his friend Alan arrived to give a sitrep, he determined that Phelous was most likely going to chicken out of killing himself, and instructed Beckett to finish the job. Beckett was nervous about what committing suicide might due to him, only for Al to inform him of the next scheduled review. This drove Beckett to shoot himself, and by extension, Phelous. (SKETCH: Hobgoblins)
The Fifth Phelous
Phelous greatly looked forward to ending his reviews of the "Troll trilogy", and thus chose to review "The Crawlers", as had been planned by the previous Phelous. He briefly touched on the existence of a video game, before resolving to dispose of the film by any means necessary. Traveling deep into the forest to his secret dumping ground, he threw the film away. Feeling ill at ease, he quickly noticed a crawling camera man approaching him; whom he easily warded off. Not so easy to ward off was the mutant root, which, after knocking him to the ground, proceeded to graphically stab through his head and out his left eye, leaving Phelous howling in pain. Despite what would be a mortal wound to anyone else, he snapped off the protruding part and got to his feet, determined to escape; however, he was being advanced on by an array of familiar vehicular toys. They quickly performed a size-change and assumed their collective form, and advised Phelous to prepare for his imminent extermination. He cracked wise about it, and was vaporized for his trouble. (SKETCH: Troll 3)
The Sixth Phelous
Phelous chose to review "The Midnight Meat Train", and, like all his previous episode titles, gives it a parody title, only to instantly regret it when he recognizes the double entendre. The movie mostly makes him laugh at the over-the-top gore on display, though he's less than amused when the killer happens to have a hook, just like a certain zombie fisherman. He went on to comment about the absurd display of gore being similar to a Mortal Kombat fatality, prompting Sub-Zero to come back to warn him not to make the obvious joke. He winds up making the joke anyways, though in an unexpected fashion that sickens Sub-Zero, prompting a twinge of regret. Ultimately, the movie goes for the cliche ending of not showing the successor murderer's face until the last possible moment. Phelous predicts that it will be Bradley Cooper's character... Only it turns out to be Lee from Still Gaming. Phelous asks Lee whether he's going to kill him, but Lee informs him that'd only be necessary if he came on the train, which Phelous accepts. Phelous then gives the film his "usual rating" of 7.2 out of 3 and a half, and goes to leave, but is called out on his rating of the film by Fish in a Spaceship. Phelous is surprised by the fish's sudden presence, and the fish arriving prompts Lee to teleport into Phelous' room. Lee's presence turns Phelous into a still image, and the Fish and Lee gang up on his, smashing him with their golf clubs with sufficient force to send him flying into outer space. (REVIEW: The Midnight Meat Train)
The Seventh Phelous
Phelous decided to review the 2008 remake of Day of the Dead, ultimately concluding that it was vastly inferior to the original, before shooting a zombie version of himself, wondering if that counted as him dying. (SKETCH: Day of the Dead)
After reviewing the first Resident Evil film, Phelous opted to review the second. While calling out the film's innacurate and unfaithful adaptation of the game's storyline, he had a brief interview with Barry Burton, and got physically assaulted by Sub-Zero for making a Mortal Kombat joke. (SKETCH: Resident Evil: Apocalypse)
Phelous then opted to suffer through the third film in the then-trilogy, pointing out many flaws, and voicing his mounting frustration with the film. He ultimately decided to remove the film from his DVD player as soon as possible, as he feared that the T-Virus might mutate and become a technological one. However, he managed to activate a self-destruct program, and resigned himself to his fate, only having time to express confusion that his house did not look the same as it usually did before a massive explosion destroyed it, with him inside. (SKETCH: Resident Evil: Extinction)
The Eighth Phelous
After having exploded in his previous incarnation, the incoming Phelous questioned how the plot of the film series had come to a post-apocalyptic dystopia, before realizing the prior film being named "Apocalypse" might imply that fate. (SKETCH: Resident Evil: Extinction)
While reviewing "Silent Hill: Shattered Memories", Phelous commented on personality choices changing the gameplay being an interesting feature of the game, only to be replaced in the review by Captain Explainy Pants, Sub-Zero, The Angry Video Game Nerd, the Irate Gamer, and various other individuals, eventually managing to regain control of the review. While preparing to give the film a rating, he was drawn into the Otherworld, where the copy of his room was frozen over with ice. (SKETCH: Shattered Memories)
While ripping on "FeardotCom", Phelous was again visited by Fish in a Spaceship, who mocked him for choosing to call himself Phelous. After concluding the review, he decided to visit the website himself, using his trusty Hot Box web browser. Arriving on the website, he discovered that the website was run by Dena Natali. Despite attempts to placate her with video games and plugs, Dena planned to kill him. After failing to force Phelous to play along, Dena astral projected herself into Phelous's room to kill him, ripping his head off. Phelous' head then returned to life long enough to criticize her for ripping his head off when she had just complained to him about his leaving a gory scene in his "The Ruins" review. (SKETCH: FeardotCom)
The Ninth Phelous
Phelous tried his best to get Sub-Zero to use his powers for the benefit of the viewing audience celebrating Christmas at home; Sub-Zero refused to do so, but gave Phelous a Mortal Komedy chalice with water in it. Phelous realized soon after that the water had been poisoned, and keeled over dead, at which point Sub-Zero finished the video. (SKETCH: Phelous Holiday Greeting)
The Tenth Phelous
After recapping the various monsters and villains of films he had previously reviewed, Phelous began to wonder what bizarre and off-the-wall monster might be next, before getting baited and attacked by Bill Goldberg with the poster to the film he'd be reviewing: "Santa's Slay". He gots progressively annoyed with the film, to the point that he drank himself to death; his corpse was supposedly found the very next day. (SKETCH: Santa's Slay)
The Eleventh Phelous
Phelous opts to review another silly horror film, this time choosing "Night of the Lepus". While reviewing the film, he gets interrupted by a special news report mentioning the continuing bad movie trend. He shrugs it off without mentioning it, and continues with his review. While continuing with the review, he eventually makes a Mortal Kombat joke, which Sub-Zero doesn't take umbrage with, except pointing out a missed opportunity. Phelous continued with the review, mocking it relentlessly, at one point declaring that if he were to be killed by a rabbit, he would want that fact announced on his tombstone. (REVIEW: Night of the Lepus)
The news reporter again interrupts the video, reporting on the proliferation of rabbits, and how doom for all humankind is likely imminent. Phelous again shrugs it off, choosing to continue the review. Finishing the film, he dismisses the notion of giant rabbits, only to notice them running down the street in his direction, and breaking into his room. Before dying a horrible death, he screamed "Bunnies!" at the gathered rabbits. His gravestone would later be made in compliance with his final wishes. (SKETCH: Night of the Lepus)
The Twelfth Phelous
After pretending not to know what film he would be reviewing, Phelous revealed that he was reviewing "I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer," a film that he had difficulty believing was not a parody because of its absurd title. He was soon interrupted by Welshy, which outraged him, but he quickly got over it. Welshy confessed that it had been him who had given the film to Phelous, who repeatedly asked him, to the point of begging, if it was a comedy. Afraid to answer, Welshy simply suggested Phelous might find humour in the film, and left him to carry on the review. (SKIT: I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer)
After being disappointed with the killer's reveal in the film, Phelous attempted to edit Welshy into the film, causing Welshy's appearance to change to more resemble the film character. Welshy refused to be inserted into the film, and beat Phelous with a cricket bat. When Phelous recovered, and asked him about whether he, due to being known as "The Nostalgia AVGN Fan", was in fact the Nostalgia Critic, Welshy drank. (SKIT: I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer)
The day after that, Phelous had attained a copy of the DVD. He angrily questioned why it should exist, when he didn't want it to. The almost certain review that would come of it angered him greatly. (SKETCH: Day of the Dead 2)
The day after, he reviewed that same film. After watching a scene in which a character's voice is repeatedly subjected to an echo effect, Phelous finds the same thing happening to him. He managed to fall asleep afterward, only to be woken up by the "Mortal Komedy" characters' icons flying past his face. He thought he had dreampt up the film, only to be informed by Sub-Zero that he had only dreampt of finishing the review, which had not yet been completed. Phelous attempted suicide to avoid the review, only to find the gun didn't work. He hollered out in anguish at his fate. (SKETCH: Day of the Dead 2)
After the Internet ghosts had taken over Earth, Phelous was one of the few survivors, cloaking himself in red to shut out the ghosts' frequency. After some time, he began receiving messages from Angry Joe, who had been killed by the ghosts, becoming one of them. Phelous later encountered him after tearing down his electrical tape defense, allowing Joe in, who wanted to be returned to life. Phelous grabbed a USB, while Joe uploaded the ghost-curing computer virus to him. After Joe had been revived, Phelous immediately questioned what Joe had done, before Joe revealed that he'd murdered many people for their supplies, before being killed by the ghosts anyways. He then shot Phelous repeatedly, laughing maniacally. Phelous would later wipe out all of the other internet ghosts. (SKETCH: Pulse 3)
Film Brain later appeared to him, angered that he hadn't mentioned that the TV movie he was reviewing was actually a pilot that hadn't been picked up. Film Brain then revealed to him that he was an internet ghost the whole time, and that he'd been possessing a Zombie Phelous to conduct the review. Rather than continue his existence, he attempted to destroy himself by grabbing red tape.
In the next review, his predicament was summed up by Oancitizen, who found the overall absurdity of his life show to be worth reviewing. Phelous demanded that his needs as a cat be met as well, and when Oancitizen refused, Lupa returned with another Garlic sandwich, returning Phelous to normal. Phelous then picked up a handgun and murdered Phelous D1, who was shocked at Phelous' ruthlessness, lamenting that his plans would never be fulfilled. Phelous wanted to know why he was alive, but D1 only said that he wasn't, as Phelous had murdered him. (SKETCH: Jeepers Creepers)
The Original Phelous Returns
After Phelous received both the Blu-Ray edition and Japanese cut of "Mac and Me", he decided he had to review them, whether his audience was sick of hearing about them or not. After discussing what made both versions so different, he again attempted to emulate the aliens by cupping his hands and whistling. This time he was successful once more, only for a hand gun to appear in his hands. Surprised by this, he blamed the film for going too far. (SKETCH: Mac and Me Original Ending! (Japanese Cut))
While reviewing "The Christmas Light", Phelous questioned whether a poorly made villain song had been produced by Soundwave. Soundwave appeared, revealing that "cries and screams" were music to his ears. Phelous' hatred of the film caused him to become a snowman, with ambitions of destroying the world, but the ice around him shattered as he got over his feelings. (SKETCH: The Christmas Light)
After watching "The Christmas Light", Phelous decided to avoid the light in any way possible. Rather than do that, he wound up venturing to a barren land of snow, where he found a gift bag under a tree. Expecting to find an item relating to "The Christmas Light", he was instead pleasantly surprised to find more Dingo Pictures films. He laughingly declared that he wouldn't be reviewing the film that the video was title after, before noticing another gift bag under the same tree. Opening it up, he was again surprised to find "Ghostbusters" wrapping, and was less surprised to find "The Christmas Brigade" within. After finishing the obligatory review, he tried to imitate the film's final act, which had been a recap of the previous film. While summing up what happened in the previous review, he found himself unable to remember whether he'd been killed by Santa Claus or whether he'd turned into a snowman, and decided the whole exercise had been a waste of time. (SKETCH: The Christmas Brigade)
Weapons and Abilities
- Death Rejection
- Durability: Despite being known for his many deaths, Phelous has an incredibly high level of physical durability, having survived being sucked into a vacuum cleaner, multiple gun shot wounds, being impaled through the skull and left eye by a mutant tree root, being hit with golf clubs with sufficient force to make him leave Earth orbit in a matter of seconds, as well as survive in the vacuum of space long enough to reach a habitable planet, (SKETCH: Mac and Me, Funny Games, Troll 3, The Midnight Meat Train)
- "Echocommunication": Like the aliens in "Mac and Me", Phelous demonstrated the ability to communicate with others via cupping his hands under his mouth and whistling; however, by the time of his review of his review, he had forgotten how to do it. He later successfully whistled, and generated a handgun from a ball of energy. (SKETCH: Mac and Me, Mac and Me Review Review, Mac and Me Original Ending! (Japanese Cut))
- Komedy Knife: The knife he obtained in the Otherworld, and opted to commit suicide with. (SKETCH: Silent Hill Film)
- Reality Warping: Phelous has demonstrated a varying level of reality warping capabilities:
- "Fair enough." (REVIEW: Mac and Me)
- "Yep, that's how I tell if a place is nice or not, if it has a lot of cars!"
- "So through the wonder power of Coca-Cola, the evil aliens are saved!"
- "The aliens arise from the fire like hell-spawn, and continue spreading their evil upon the Earth!"
- "This movie sucks." (SKETCH: I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
- "Oh, it was a zombie fisherman. A zombie fisherman... A zombie.. fisherman.. A zombie fisherman?!!?! A ZOMBIE FISHERMAN! A ZOMBIE FISHERMAN!"
- "ALRIGHT, MAC AND ME! THIS IS THE REVIEW OF IT! ALRIGHT, THERE'S THESE STUPID ALIENS ON A PLANET, AND THEY GET SUCKED UP BY A VACUUM CLEANER! HA HA HA! (SKETCH: Phelous and Me in "5" Seconds)
- "Heeellllooooo.... Now, after doing such scary movies, like the "Last Summer" movie- [chortles]- Okay, after doing a scary movie like "Mac and Me", I decided to change it up this time, you know, give myself a break, and do a FUNNY movie. And I've decided to do... "Funny Games"! That sounds... funny... Right? (SKETCH: Funny Games)
- "Well that's true enough. No one's taking MY eggs..." (brandishes golf club)
- "I just thought I was watching a silly horror flick, not a silly horror flick meets "Click"!
- "What are two of the most important things in a movie? No! Not "tits and "ass", character development and plot! And if you ever wanted to see a movie without those two things, then this is the movie for you!" (REVIEW: The Ruins)
- "Meanwhile, of course, the troll garden starts a musical number...." (REVIEW: Troll 1)
- "THEME SONG! This is the Theme Song for Linkaaarrraaaa! Yeeeaaaaah! THEME SONG! This is the theme song for Linkaaaaarrrraaaaaa! Wow, Theme Song! This is the Theme Song for Linkara!" (SKETCH: A Serious Intro to Phelous)
- "Oh, he sits on his couch! And reads comic books- in front of the camera! He's Linkara! THEME SONG! This is the Theme Song, THEME SONG, This is the the Theme Song for Linkaaaarrraaaaaa!
- "Now have a fun time trying to go to sleep, you little bastard!" (REVIEW: Troll 2)
- "He who lives by the plate dies by the plate!" (REVIEW: Skinned Deep)
- "I could probably end this right now, but where's the torture in that?" (REVIEW: Cabin Fever)
- "Actually... HE'S INFECTED WITH THE T-VIRUS!"
- "Oh, I think I know what this is. It's one of those... Big... Crocodile... Scene Happenings..."
- "He's a photographer, and he has a girlfriend named Maya. Yep. Not much else to say there. (REVIEW: The Midnight Meat Train)
- "Oh, the "eye-rony" is delicious." (holding an iron)
- "Oh no... No... No, please don't do it!"
- "Looks like Phelous is blasting off again!"
- "Why would it dry up lakes... It doesn't make any sense! (REVIEW: Resident Evil: Extinction)
- "I guess he was thinking trains are more scared of you than you are of them... I don't know..." (REVIEW: FeardotCom)
- "Ah, another case of being on the computer too long, until your eyes bleed, and you can't see incoming trains..."
- "Vampires? Possibly! Wouldn't be any sillier than giant rabbits!" (REVIEW: Night of the Lepus)
- "And all the wounds were made with pinpoint accuracy, almost like the killers had extremely good eyesight... Could be something they eat... Vampires!"
- "And he dies!"
- "Well, if I died like that, I'd want it on my grave. 'Died of Fatal Bunny Wounds!'"
- "Tonight I dine on bunny stew!"
- "I hate when the movie doesn't let me add the stupid music, but hey, at least this probably means the killer isn't a zombie fisherman... Though it might be a zombie cricket player... who knew the score of last summer's game, and didn't like it, so he has to kill everyone.." (REVIEW: I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer)
- "There is one thing that concerned me in that scene, and that was the possibility that this might be a TELEPORTING zombie cricket player! Oh, no..."
- "So, the witness protection area is what looks like a summer camp, and they only have the three main cops, the guy who runs this area, and a guard at the gate to watch over them. Wow, that's probably the best witness protection, EVER! Who wants to actually be taken to a secure area; where you can, like, have the security of having security, SCREW THAT! I wanna be taken to some camp in the middle of the woods!"
- "But why take my word for it when you can take my word for it as we watch parts of the movie together." (REVIEW: Day of the Dead 2)
- "Yeah, well, we all know balls of light are the second sign of turning into a zombie!"
- Managing Phelous continuity is hard. Really hard.